Happy Friday, kids!
Who’s having the best week ever?!
(Incidentally, did you know that show is back on?? Who am I kidding–I had no idea, either. I haven’t watched VH1 since 2004. I have no idea what their programming includes.)
So, maybe not the best week ever, but a fairly decent if not long week going on over here. I’m just happy I have OIAJ this morning.
If that doesn’t make a Friday morning, I don’t know what does.
So yesterday morning I was chatting with the girls at work about deal breakers . . . you know, the things that make a man un-dateable. The things you absolutely, positively, 100% without a doubt cannot live with.
There were the usual suspects: bad breath, sweats excessively, doesn’t open doors, hates dogs, weighs less than you, wears Ed Hardy, only shops at Express, drinks too much, doesn’t drink at all, smoker, rude to waitstaff, talks about himself incessantly, always late, plays video games, backs into parking spaces, wears man jewelry, vegetarian (I know I’m a hypocrite, but it’s just not manly), unemployed, lives with his mother, uses letters and numbers to replace words in texts, likes Dave Matthews band, has a cat, insists I go camping with him, bad teeth, bad in bed, nail biter, doesn’t read or appear to own any books, belches loudly in public (or let’s be honest, that’s gross at home, too), wears flips flops and a t-shirt on every date, only communicates via text, talks about his ex all the time, chains+chest hair+unbuttoned shirt, overeager, drives a Smart Car, wears a fedora in an un-ironic way, bikes as a primary mode of transportation, self identifies as a hipster, never introduces you to his friends, doesn’t get you a birthday card, too much hair product, wears skinny jeans, has no hobbies, thinks I might pay his ex-wife’s alimony . . .
OK, so that’s kind of a worst-case-scenario laundry list, but I do have a few deal breakers that I really and truly cannot abide.
1. Doesn’t get why it’s not ok to have a “best girl friend.”Â
It’s not that I’m not ok with having female friends, but a girl who you’re spending one on one time with? No bueno. Because you know what that means, fellas? You’re emotionally available to her–which makes it harder for us to have any sort of true intimacy. Even if you repeatedly try to convince me that you don’t want to sleep with her (and maybe you don’t), it doesn’t matter. I’m supposed to be your #1 girl. Don’t put me in a position where I have to deal with this. Not cool. And hey, I’m a cool girl. I’ll be your best girlfriend. It’s a win-win.
2. Loves Mom a little too much.
It’s fine to love your mom. Better than fine, actually. I want you to love your mom. I love my mom, too! But, as previously mentioned, I’m supposed to be your #1 girl. So if you talk/text with Mom just as much as you do with me, can never say no to her, do whatever she wants without regard for how I feel or what I might want . . . well, that’s an issue. I get it that you want to make Mom happy, but I’m your partner. You and me? We’re a team. So let’s play like one.
3. I have to make excuses for you.Â
If you cancel plans at the last minute or are incessantly late, it’s not just disrespectful, it’s rude. But it goes to the next level if you do this when friends or family are involved. Then I have to justify the fact that you’re behaving like a total douche. Don’t make me do that. If I find myself having to convince other people that you really are great when your behavior provides evidence to the contrary, that’s no good.
By the same token, I’m not vying for the position of mom. So if you’re looking for someone to do your laundry and cook you dinner and remind you when you have a dentist appointment? Next!
Maybe too much to ask, but as someone pointed out to me via Twitter the other day, I shouldn’t settle. I think enough of myself to believe I deserve at least this much. I know I’m no cakewalk all the time, but I’m also pretty patient and tolerant of a lot, so I think I get to be picky about a few things here and there . . .
What are your dating deal breakers?
Not a door opener is a deal breaker? haha. I have no problem if a guy doesn’t open a door for me. I’m a fast walker and get to places faster anyway.
That best girl friend reminds me of The Mindy Project.
Oh! And my last boyfriend was a mama’s boy. In the worst way. I have some extremely entertaining (tho not at the time) stories I could tell you.
Just at first. I don’t want them to open every door (I can open a GD door), but in the beginning, it’s a nice gesture. My dad still opens the door for my mom all the time. I think it’s sweet.
I will await you email with further details on the mama’s boy.
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so I read all of those and couldn’t stop laughing at some of them, you guys have one killer but so true list. the deal breaker about best girl friend is so true.
Why don’t guys get that??? Or the girls who are the friends, for that matter . . .
I need to start feeding my kids that PB & ‘naner combo. So much better than all the whining for Froot Loops they do at 10pm on most nights of the week. The Froot Loops ship is about to get sunk. And they shall mourn its loss.
Ooh, yeah. Just say no to Froot Loops.
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This list is AWESOME! I almost spat out my water I was laughing so hard!
When I was 19 I wrote a list of everything that I wanted in my future husband. The last item read:
And above no excessive chest hair and HEAVENS NO back hair!
Well needless to say I married the hairiest Italian man ever! Haha!
Needless to say, love is blind
Hahaha Amanda, that is HILARIOUS! I think I might’ve written one of those lists at some point in the very distant past, too. I’ll have to dig around and see if I can find it!
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I agree on 3 of these deal breakers! Really, bottom line it (for me) it comes down to respect. If you respect someone you don’t make excuses (I mean, you can still do totally lame, stupid, and forgetful things – but excuses? no.), you don’t control who they are friends with and what they do with their time (it’s good to spend time together AND apart, imo), and you have boundaries. Although, I have to admit, I’m a little sad I’m not raising a mama’s boy. Hee.
Awe, well your future daughter-in-law thanks you
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Girl!!!! You listed every single one of mine!!!!! Gahhhhhh! I struggle w all of these daily! Where do u go to meet a nice,normal, fairly attractive, intelligent guy?!?!?
I recently joined an online dating site……I am not impressed to say the least!!! I am convinced it’s composed of all socially awkward deranged lunatics….
Every day I am like why the F can I not just meet someone normally, like friends of friends, at a sporting event etc…etc…etc!!!!
Oye Vay!!!
Awe, I’m sorry, doll! You know I get it. Don’t give up. The guy I met online this time around is kind of a catch
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I LOVE this post. And the fact that that list is ridiculously long. Mine would be, too. I read your blog way back when, before I had my own, and I always loved your dating/relationship posts and insights. I give you a lot of credit for doing the online thing. I just can’t will myself to do that yet.
The making excuses thing is probably the worst one for me out of your list. I can’t tell you how many last minute cancelled plans/super late arrivals I’ve had to deal with. It’s beyond rude. Also, I hate when I’m not introduced to his friends after a couple months. To me, that screams that I’m not just not important enough!
…Clearly I’m not in the best place with dudes right now. Haha.
Thanks, Angela! You know, I don’t know if I would have tried online dating again if one of my friends at work hadn’t encouraged me to. If nothing else, you’ll get some good stories out of it! Hang in there–everything will unfold just as it’s supposed to
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Great list! I’ll admit my husband is not chivalrous and I do most of the door opening in our relationship, but I blame that on the fact that he didn’t have much of a father figure growing up so it’s not ALL his fault.
Luckily, he doesn’t do any of the other no-no’s so I think I hooked myself a good one. And as far as the mom thing, is it okay if he and MY mom are besties? Because I’m pretty sure he’s my parents’ favorite child.
The advice I always give my single friends is don’t get so stuck on the list of what you don’t want. Some negative aspects are easily forgotten if the positive outweighs the negative. Also, men can be trained, to a certain extent.
Oh my gosh, Trisha, that is too funny about your husband and your mom! At least they all get along, right?
I’m definitely not stuck on this list–it’s all tongue in cheek. But I will say that those 3 are no-go’s. I don’t want to change someone; I want them to be themselves! And if they have those traits, there’s someone else out there who will be ok with them.
This is a great Post Melissa!! The girl friend thing is not ok! My Husband had a pretty good friend who he hung out with a bit until I came along, but I was definitely no. 1. Although she did go to his bucks party and didn’t understand what all the fuss was about!!! Suffice to say myself and my girlfriend’s don’t like her very much! The excuses thing is so true!! However I do all of Hubby’s launfry most of the time! He does occasionally fold it and put it away!! Ha ha
I definitely agree with your deal breakers!!! Especially number one: Super important for the reasons you listed…..becuase 9/10 the guy and the “best girl friend” get along for a reason..and they end up getting together. It’s happened to me….in the bad way..I let it slid, and the guy ended getting with his best girl friend. Yep, sucked. Some of my deal breakers are a dirty apartment. Not necessarily cluttered, that’s manageable, but actual dirt? I’m running away. And one that’s really funny but important to me is he must FLOSS! Sounds silly, but if a guy cares about flossing, then he usually has good hygiene in general. And you would think at my age (25) guy would all have good hygiene, but not true!
Oh no–that’s awful. I agree with the actual dirt. Gross. And flossing is SO important–basic hygiene for sure.
You know what? I’m not surprised that 25 year old guys aren’t batting 1000 on this one. They definitely have some maturing to do at that age.