Mmmmmm. I think this might be Chocolate Covered Katie week here on the old blog. After the fantastic success of the Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Cookies, I decided to start off my morning with another one of her fantastic recipes. Namely, Raspberry Marzipan Muffins!


I made a few substitutions, like melted Smart Balance Light for the oil, and all vanilla extract instead of vanilla + almond (because I didn’t have any!), then used Splenda for the sweetener portion because that’s what I did have. All in all, holy yumballs! I’d call it a success.


Since the recipe makes 2, I shared with Mom. I don’t think she hated it. Winking smile


Even with the sweetener, this was sweet, but not too sweet. The raspberries definitely gave it just the right amount of fruity goodness. Highly satisfied with this recipe! It’s a keeper! Open-mouthed smile

Even though I’m finally a little bit more settled now that I’m back in Michigan, I’ve been feeling, well, not that great lately. Physically, I’m just a little run down, which I think is leftover from all the moving and traveling and stress, but emotionally, I’m kind of a mess.

I don’t know why I haven’t blogged about it because I’m a pretty open book on here, but I guess I was just hoping it would go away. Unfortunately, this little nagging thing just isn’t, and it’s buggin’ me.

So how am I feeling exactly? Well, really insecure. And honestly, it annoys me. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Since I’ve worked so hard to get to a place of feeling good about myself again being completely broken down by my last relationship, it makes me a little nervous.


Where is this insecurity coming from? I’ve tried to break it down, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

  1. Work. Yep, I still love my new job, and I’m really enjoying it, but there are a few things with my contract that are still up in the air which I’m pretty sure would make anyone insecure. Every time I feel like I may have mis-stepped, I freak out a little because I’m worried someone’s going to pull the plug on the whole thing. The likelihood of that happening? In reality, probably very slim, but I’m a worrier by nature, so I tend to think worst case scenario.
  2. Home. Nope, I’m not second-guessing being in Michigan, but I am sort of homeless right now. Obviously, staying at my parents’ house takes care of that, but I don’t my own place to live yet, I’m not really finding anything that’s quite what I want, and due to the aforementioned #1 above, I’m not 100% sure of my budget. Unsettling.
  3. Dudes. Or maybe not dudes is what that should say. I’m feeling a little pressure to be dating more, and I’m nervous about it. As I said, I’ve worked incredibly hard to feel good about myself again, and I’m worried that dating someone is going to somehow take that away from me. I don’t particularly like myself when I’m in a relationship. For some reason, I get super needy, and the more my needs aren’t met, the needier I become. It’s ugly. I hate it, and I’m not sure how to stop it. Until that happens, I’d kind of rather not date. I tested the waters with this a little bit in Virginia and went out with a really great guy a few times before I left, but I already felt myself getting needy in that short time, and I hated it.

So pretty much, I’m feeling insecure because my life right now is NOT secure. I’m probably blowing it out of proportion because that’s my way, but at least I can acknowledge that I’m feeling this way and try to take control of some aspects of my life that I do have power over. I’m a really anxious person by nature, and while I’ve felt much less anxiety in the last several months, it seems to have returned with a vengeance the last few weeks.

Instead of wallowing in this feeling, I’m trying to do things that I know I enjoy, that make me feel good and strong and happy.

Like running.


And cooking.


And spending time with people that like me.


And actually talking about my feelings instead of pretending they don’t exist!

Oh, and making all of CCK’s recipes because they are decidedly delicious. (I was finishing my muffin as I wrote this and felt compelled to add that in.)

Do you ever feel insecure? How do you break yourself out of it?

13 thoughts on “{in}security

  1. Maybe you’re just settling in? I mean, you haven’t been there long so once you get a place of your own and get used to being back, you’ll be good to go.
    Why are you feeling pressure to date? Definitely don’t date unless you want to. You have your whole life to date when you’re ready.

    • I’m thinking that’s probably it. The dating stuff? Well, family & friends mostly. Not insistent, but they’re encouraging it. Single people make married people nervous (just my experience).

  2. Awww you look so sad! I like your happy face better ;). You are beautiful!
    Definitely, I think it takes a while to feel settled somewhere… I think I cried every day for a year when we first moved to Texas. Everything just felt so off. Change is never a good thing in the beginning, but just remind yourself that it’s completely OK to feel stressed/sad. That’s the big thing for me; I have to remind myself that normal people are allowed to have sad days! It doesn’t make them any less of a person.
    As for guys… hmm, well, if you don’t have one, you don’t have to share your muffins ;). So at least that’s one good thing. Hafta look on the bright side, right?

    • Good point. It IS ok to feel a little sad sometimes! Thanks for that reminder!

      And since I ate that muffin, I can’t stop thinking that I wish I had another one. You may be onto something there. ;)

  3. I just found your blog! I can relate to this post alot. I went through a phase like this after college and was just so unsure about what i wanted and confused. Luckily things get better, but I think it’s natural to go through this feeling in phases. I feel this way right now about my job, i’m not sure if it’s right for me, and it makes me feel really down about everything. It’s silly because it’s just a job, but I want to find something I love! So what I’m saying is your not alone! look forward to reading more :)

  4. M I totally understand what you’re going through and, given all the change in your life, it’s totally reasonable. I think after some more time in MI and with your job you will gradually feel more comfortable. You are a wonderful talented person with so much to offer! :)

  5. I think sometimes when we are in a state of transition, those feelings are normal. Plus, each of those things (moving, not having a place to live, a new job) are all big stressors in life, even if some of them are positive. Keep taking the healthy steps you’ve outlined, and I have a feeling things will start to come together once you become a little more settled!

  6. Susan says:

    I agree with Paula – definatley dont date out of pressure, you are more likely to find someone completly perfect for you when you least expect it and arent looking – its one of those things, the harder you look or try the harder it will be to find and the more stressed you will become. I think you need to give your self a break, and some credit for all the great things you are capable of. Be patient, let yourself enjoy being cared for at your parents house. Things have a funny way of working out for the best.

  7. I have been feeling the exact same way for MONTHS. I’m hoping it goes away when I move into my own place on Saturday, but it’ll probably take awhile for me to get used to ANOTHER big change. When a lot of things are changing & I feel out of control I tend to avoid it by being hard on myself which makes me insecure. Do you think that could be it?

    I’m so not ready to date and I don’t care what people think! I need to learn how to love myself first.

    • It’s so weird because I hadn’t felt this way in so long and suddenly it’s back with a vengeance! I hate it! And yes, you hit the nail on the head. I hate being out of control and I think it does manifest itself as me being hard on me. Dating isn’t going to help that. Ugh! I wish we were in the same city–we need a girls’ night out together!!!

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