Alone

Weekends are hard for me.  Especially 3 day weekends. 

On weekends, I really feel how alone I am.  It’s not that I don’t try to make plans, but the fact is, I just don’t have many friends here.  And the friends I do have are busy with their own families and their own lives.  So on most weekends, I end up alone. 

While most people have been looking forward to the holiday weekend, I’ve been dreading it.  Spending 3 whole days by myself is less than appealing. 

The trend these days seems to be “be in a relationship with yourself.”  Everywhere I look, people are touting single as this great opportunity to find yourself and discover who you really are.  But I already know who I am.  For the last year, I have been single.  But before that, I was still alone.  Both of my relationships prior had long distance components to them, and I spent a lot of time alone.  Maybe it was necessary, but it was not fun. 

So here I am, knowing myself so well, but still alone.  Yesterday, I didn’t speak to a single person who knew me.  No one asked how my day was or gave me a hug or wanted to go to church with me.  I didn’t have someone to lay beside me at the pool or ask me what sounded good for dinner.  I had a great glass of wine, but no one to share it with.  This is not how I want to live my life. 

I am a big believer in trying to learn something from every situation, and this is no different.  What is the lesson I’m supposed to learn here with 2 big, empty days in front of me and no one/nothing to fill them? 

Maybe it’s the universe telling me that I’m supposed to move back to Michigan.  After all, even though I love it here, I do have friends and family there; I don’t have to be alone. 

Or maybe I should be dating more.  It’s not that I’m opposed to it, but where am I going to meet anyone?  Everyone I know is constantly saying they wish they knew someone single for me, but apparently I am the only single person left.  I’ve tried online dating before, but I hate it.  People ask you questions you would never ask of someone you met in “real life.”  What’s my idea of a perfect date?   What’s something you can’t tell just by looking at me?  Ugh, is this a date or a job interview?  No, that was not for me.  I guess I always just believed that the universe was going to send me that right person when the time was right.  But that doesn’t seem to be happening. 

Until I figure something out, all I feel right now is stuck, which is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. 

Sorry to be such a downer this morning, but I feel like I’ve been faking my good mood on the blog on the weekends, and it’s draining.  I’d rather be honest than put something out there that’s not genuine.  It just doesn’t feel right.

I hope that your weekend is filled with friends, family, and love.  Enjoy it.  Appreciate what you have.  All I know is that someday if I have more, I’ll never take it for granted.

13 thoughts on “Alone

  1. I know this is gonna sound totally lame, but I couldn’t be in a real relationship until I accepted my life as it was – with no one in it. I accepted it 100% and anyone that came into my life could be an addition but not my entire life. And that’s when Adam came into my life.

    Where in Michigan? That’s where Adams from.

    • At the risk of sounding totally pessimistic, I’m pretty sure I’m just not one of those people who’s meant for the whole marriage and family thing. It’s my own fault that I am where I am today, so I only have myself to blame.

      I’m from a small town outside of Ann Arbor, but I also lived in Grand Rapids for a few years after college. Where is Adam’s family?

      • Katie says:

        I can’t wait until your pessimism is proved wrong. :) And no blaming yourself – life is a lesson learned.

        I spent Sunday driving to the beach for it to lightning and pour as soon as we arrived! So, the day was spent at the mall in Grand Rapids. Not exactly what I had planned this weekend. But your post popped up in my e-mail and reminded me to make the best of my day regardless. Thank you.

        I hope your weekend ended up great. Just know that you’re not alone. For me, it’s sometimes hard because I don’t have any close friends left here – everyone left Michigan after graduation!

  2. Melissa,

    I’m sending you a huge HUG. I think it’s awesome that you’re being honest about this, I know that so many people can relate to what you’re going through even though the don’t speak up about it.

    I do feel extremely lucky to have Nick. To be honest, besides him I don’t really have more than a couple friends here in Chicago. Thank goodness for Mosely and Carmie (my cat) because they are here to also be my buddies. I feel lonely a lot and it really can get me down.

    I have to say if my family was in one place and not spread over the country, I would have a really hard time not living near them. Right now I feel guilty that I’m not living near my mom. My dad died in 2007 and although she has a great group of friends and a beloved pup I just feel like I’m supposed to be with her.

    Re dating, I am so sorry that things aren’t currently working out well. I know that everyone says that you have to be comfortable alone first but to be honest, you’re clearly and independent person you would simply like to be with someone, which is a feeling that most of us can relate to! I can absolutely understand the way you feel about online dating. I tried match.com when I first moved to Chicago to date around a bit. I had fun but it was weird. My brother (and many other people I know) met his current girlfriend and his former girlfriend on eharmony and really loved the experience. I think different sites definitely offer different things.

    Well I am sending another HUG. I totally understand what you’re going through and I think it’s wonderful that you’re open and honest about it. The summer is right around the corner so you can be with your family soon.

    • Thanks for the hugs, Jenny! Just trying to eek it out for the next few weeks. When I get a better support system around me this summer, I can re-evaluate and figure out what the best “game plan” will be. I appreciate your kind words more than you know.

  3. Kristin says:

    Know that you’re not alone. I also spend the majority of my time alone, but I’m learning to deal with it by trying out new things instead of binging out in front of the t.v. (though it still happens from time to time). I do have a boyfriend, but he’s in med school so I don’t always get to see him. It’s hard. It really is. Do something you love or go treat yourself to massage-you deserve it!
    PS. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I love your tips on cooking for one.
    Stay strong, girl. You will get through this :)

    • Awe, thanks, Kristin! I tried to do some “good for me” things today. Hope you get some time with your sweetie soon. There’s nothing worse than being with someone but feeling alone. XO

  4. Lisa says:

    I’m in the same situation so I understand completely. My problem is that now I’ve gotten so used to the being alone stuff that I have to talk myself into doing things when people invite me.

    Don’t give up on the universe, once it happens it’ll be totally worth the wait :)

  5. Kristin Kolat says:

    Hey girl,

    I’ve been following your blog on my google reader for a while now. I don’t have my own blog, but I find other peoples lives (including yours) fascinating and so enjoyable to read. This holiday weekend has also got me feeling down and in the pits as well. The thing about holidays is that all they do is remind me how I don’t have anything exciting planned besides having a cookout with my parents. Most of my friends are off with their boyfriends (or in their hometowns/where they just moved since we all just graduated college and moved back home) or doing something exciting at a beach house or island somewhere. All I’ve been doing for the past 2 weekends now that college is done is going to movies with my mom or sister, watching couples on the big screen and wishing I had a guy to sweep me off my feet like that, and then crying myself to sleep like a total sap because the guy I like blew me off AGAIN. Believe me I’ve been single for almost 3 whole years now after a 4 year relationship. I’ve lived the single life and had a blast being free to do whatever I wanted in college. But now I’m not surrounded by my girlfriends or my 5 roommates who made sure I always had someone to talk to. Now I’m in the real world and the fact that I don’t have a special person to share my everyday thoughts and fears with is really starting to bug the heck out of me and like the title of your post today..I feel alone as well. Although I don’t think what I’m saying is necessarily cheering you up, I want you to know that you are not alone. Think of all the people you know who are in relationships and then I bet you can think of even more who arent. I know my single friends outnumber my taken friends 5:1 even though they may not be close by right now. All you can do is live in the moment right now because I truly believe that your time and my time for love will come, and it’s true when they say “when you least expect it”. Right now I’m trying to focus on being in a great relationship with myself..and making it my personal goal no matter how hard it is. Cheer up buttercup :) You’re awesome.

    • Oh my gosh, Kristin, thank you so much! You are such a sweetie! The thing is, I would DIE to be able to hang out with my mom or sister right now, or even just to go to a family cookout! I guess you just want what you don’t have, right? Since I’m in my 30s now, I am actually one of the only people I know who ISN’T in a relationship. It’s funny how that tide turns, isn’t it? In a few years, maybe I’ll be the one of the only people who hasn’t gotten a divorce, right? ;)
      At any rate, I know things will change when the time is right, it’s just no fun being in this “alone” place for the time being. I hope you’re able to enjoy some part of your weekend! We can be “alone” together, how ’bout that? :)

  6. Aww, I wish you were in FL. I would invite you over right now! But you’d have to bring some of the blueberry crisp or funfetti cookies. I mean, there’s a price for entrance into my house. ;-)
    I’m have the exact opposite weekend. I’m on social overload and may have had a meltdown yesterday. I’d never blog about it because I have too many people that know me and my husband that read my blog and I don’t want certain people knowing certain things. But my overload will continue in a half hour when the in-laws come over. Happy face = on. Sort of.
    I hope you feel better. I see you got invited to a BBQ so hopefully things look up for you!

    • I can see how that would be tough, too. Sometimes you just need some time for yourself! I always hesitate to put the “bad stuff” on the blog because I want to keep it upbeat and I don’t want the people who do know me to feel sorry for me, but sometimes you just have to keep it real. Or squash it down and plaster on the happy face (which is what I typically do!). Hope you find a way to enjoy the day!

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