Weekends are hard for me. Especially 3 day weekends.
On weekends, I really feel how alone I am. It’s not that I don’t try to make plans, but the fact is, I just don’t have many friends here. And the friends I do have are busy with their own families and their own lives. So on most weekends, I end up alone.
While most people have been looking forward to the holiday weekend, I’ve been dreading it. Spending 3 whole days by myself is less than appealing.
The trend these days seems to be “be in a relationship with yourself.” Everywhere I look, people are touting single as this great opportunity to find yourself and discover who you really are. But I already know who I am. For the last year, I have been single. But before that, I was still alone. Both of my relationships prior had long distance components to them, and I spent a lot of time alone. Maybe it was necessary, but it was not fun.
So here I am, knowing myself so well, but still alone. Yesterday, I didn’t speak to a single person who knew me. No one asked how my day was or gave me a hug or wanted to go to church with me. I didn’t have someone to lay beside me at the pool or ask me what sounded good for dinner. I had a great glass of wine, but no one to share it with. This is not how I want to live my life.
I am a big believer in trying to learn something from every situation, and this is no different. What is the lesson I’m supposed to learn here with 2 big, empty days in front of me and no one/nothing to fill them?
Maybe it’s the universe telling me that I’m supposed to move back to Michigan. After all, even though I love it here, I do have friends and family there; I don’t have to be alone.
Or maybe I should be dating more. It’s not that I’m opposed to it, but where am I going to meet anyone? Everyone I know is constantly saying they wish they knew someone single for me, but apparently I am the only single person left. I’ve tried online dating before, but I hate it. People ask you questions you would never ask of someone you met in “real life.” What’s my idea of a perfect date? What’s something you can’t tell just by looking at me? Ugh, is this a date or a job interview? No, that was not for me. I guess I always just believed that the universe was going to send me that right person when the time was right. But that doesn’t seem to be happening.
Until I figure something out, all I feel right now is stuck, which is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world.
Sorry to be such a downer this morning, but I feel like I’ve been faking my good mood on the blog on the weekends, and it’s draining. I’d rather be honest than put something out there that’s not genuine. It just doesn’t feel right.
I hope that your weekend is filled with friends, family, and love. Enjoy it. Appreciate what you have. All I know is that someday if I have more, I’ll never take it for granted.